Jason has chosen to share a series of poems he has written to express some of his feelings and experiences...
Ultimately I was alone, I was in a space no one could find me, curled up in corners no one would ever see, and yet, I was open just a moment could tell you a story if you could only spare a minute to look. I could smile at fear and dance with death but the loss of those angels that creep in to silence my demons seems unbearable. How welcoming was I to the idea of hope that I allow myself out of the shadows if only just for a glimpse of the beauty you could portray within the world, but the darkness, the darkness never lets go. Even in those moments of heat and fire your breath burns my lips before you soothed my pain with yours. How when we touched earth shattered to the ferocity of our hearts fleeting out of control but, how still where the moments when we were alone how lost did I feel when you smiled in the place your heart truly belonged. Again the darkness came, my actions that lost this crushed me with regret. I stood helpless at the thought of the inevitability of my own destruction and so back to the silence I fell before I realised it was not your voice of an angel that saved me. It was your soul that danced with the devil and was seduced just like mine.
I wondered once if breathing was something I wanted to invest in. I struggled for days that seemed to add up to years and with the ones around me who pleaded theirlove, their hands failed to do so. I’ve been more alone in rooms full of people who have said they cared then the dark places on this earth where not even dogs sleep. I want to recreate, I want to stand in the sun without having moments of pure cold before every dark thoughtrushes through my head again. No matter the amount of greatness I feel it's constantly shrouded by an outlying life that I wish had never existed. A few things from before this day do I want to keep- the lives that are part of me that I helped create being part of the only fuel left that keeps the air in these lungs.
That sound, like a drill piercing the tender drums of your ears after a night of restless sleep. That steady calling from technology reminding me it's time to lift this ghost from the place you feel loneliest but safest. It's been minutes and already a series of memories, thoughts and ideas plow through my head like a driver asleep at the wheel. Within moments the regret of opening not only your eyes but your lungs the bearing thoughts of the day weighing on your chest. But you rise. Despite that sinking feeling that ties you to your cushioned slab you rise. Your throat burns like words will be impossible to breach your lips. Like a zombie you step carelessly through the dark, find your clothes and try to find what little strength you can to fight this day. It's cold outside but for some reason that sting that laps across my skin like you’re laying in snow. It's temporary, pain is always temporary. Then that first song plays; "I won't hold my tongue, I'm not okay without you here". Your mind gets ravaged and you start to build up lies of dark fantasies. People dying, people leaving are all that's in your head.So you scream the words despite the pain that's harboured in your throat every word just hits home like with your blood the words you wrote; "I am broken, I am beaten, I'm mistreated and I'm torn". The next song plays and it scrapes my bones it drives in nails that make me wish that I was home. As every song plays through and the drive lingers on slowly my voice dies down and I'm just listening to the sound. Light comes over distant hills but still it’s dark in here.
"You are the stars in the skies. You are the sound of the rain. You are the strong sense of calm that takes away all the pain. You are the rush of the wind. I'm just a man on his knees,
praying to God to grow old with the girl of his dreams".As these words hit your ears you can't help but to scream. You just want to be loved and every part you. So simple is the feeling you wish that you could have. As the sun breaches the distance, the warmth enters your blood. Slowly you forget the last hour you have done. You push away all of it and kick off with a smile. You never let anyone know that you’re still dying from inside.